I love mindful questions and I love direct soul questions. Do I love me? is a combination of both.
What would make me ask myself that right now and give the answer?
Here are a few reasons:
February is all about LOVE on Wisdom Laughter Healing.
Self Love Day is February 13 and I became a Love Ambassador.
The Perfectly Imperfect Project Real Self Care is happening with a bunch of ladies that I admire.
And I needed to write this for me.
I did not look in a mirror unless I had to for more than two years. Even now, I stutter a bit but then I push myself to do it. LOOK AT ME.
My separation from my husband was a mighty mess several years ago. Leaving him meant: leaving him (this man that I was madly crazy in love with but could not stay with), leaving the country that I had moved to (the UK), leaving my job and losing my career, leaving my home, losing my things … and most importantly … I lost me – I LEFT ME.
All the things that made ME … my personality, my sense of humor, my joy of life, my inner equilibrium … I lost it. And I felt humiliated. And I had failed. And I was in PAIN. You know that woman scorned, cornered animal thing? I totally had that going on. Times a bajillion.
Then the deep depression hit – I stayed in bed for a month. Like literally except for the bathroom. I moved house and never unpacked. I just couldn’t. Life was a cacophony and I could not deal with it. Even worse, my weight ballooned. Blimped really – a balloon was too small.
So, you get the picture. Never in all my life had I ever thought that THE END would come this way but there it was and I was in too much pain to even give a shit. Did I mention that the only thing keeping me from going zombie was my son? Bless his heart – it kept mine beating and finally, finally, I took ACTION to save my life: I left the East coast and went to Utah with my son and friends.
I learned to live again. I sat in the foothills of the majestic, magnificent Wasatch Mountains and I healed. Slowly. For two years, I stayed in Utah and just learned to be again. I stopped gasping for breath or feeling like I was going to shatter. The Cacophony of Life was still there but it was a few more steps away than when I was in the dark clutches of the collapse.
At the two year point, circumstances with family occurred and I crisscrossed the country again to return to South Florida. My healing sped up a bit. Thanks to friends and an awesome business partner, I had a safe place to be and work and feel supported.
Fast Forward from arriving back in South Florida about 18 months ago to NOW.
Do I LOVE ME?
Yes. I do. As I said above, there are still stutters but I SEE ME again. I did a Fire Walk in July. Yes, it was beyond incredible that I walked on Fire but the clearing that occurred afterward is still happening!
The weight that had slowly started to come off when I arrived in Florida began pouring off of me after the Fire Walk. No Kidding. Healthier & More Conscious Eating and clearing some
psychotic psychological blocks means that I cannot buy pants fast enough before they start dropping off.
I have a home again. My own space … space for my son … space for the kitties and all of our stuff. Our Home.
More important than the weight and everything else is this: I SEE ME. and I LOVE ME.
And now I am getting more and more serious with ME than ever before. Because loving me means that I do not ever, ever want to go back to that cornered animal in pain dark clutches of collapse situation ever again. I need me, happy and healthy. My son needs me, happy and healthy.
Self Love Means This for ME in 2013:
I LOVE YOU. I SEE YOU and I am so glad to see you again that I want to get all twee and go skipping through a meadow holding hands and giggling. But before we do that, there are a few things we need to do first.
- We need to get our HEALTH on track. We will continue our fabulous regimen of Carnitine (Amino Acids), Turmeric, Apple Cider Vinegar and all other natural directives from our AMAZING Health Team: Dr. Marshall(Alternative Medicine Doctor) and Lakshmi Devi (Ayurvedic Practitioner)
- No stress drinking (ahem, for me that means coca-cola, my one true kryptonite :)) – a bad day does not equal 48 oz of fountain soda delight. It means drinking our fizzy water til the urge passes or having some iced tea instead.
- We agree to respond happily and heartily to our Intelligent Cravings for food: roasted beets, salmon and quinoa, dark chocolate almond milk (seriously, have you tried this stuff?!!?) and all foods that contribute to WELLNESS. Junk Food = Food Sabotage. Nope, we are not doing it.
- Back to Yoga – the DVD is not a coaster and now we have a lovely home with a big floor made for gentle exercise.
- More fresh air – this is a great way that we can prepare for the skipping through the meadow moment without passing out from over-exertion. And the ocean is about 1.5 miles away … HELLO???
- Less WE THEY and more WE ME … me and me have big great and beautiful plans for 2013 and we need the time to CREATE. We will be making time for those endeavors and adventures by learning to say NO to some other things that are not WE ME directed.
- We are not applying bandaids anymore or slipping things under that big, bulging rug. We are FIXING our shit. Cleaning it out and replacing it with good not-shit awesomeness. This may be a bit messy but we are not afraid anymore. We are ready. And We have each other.
- Self Love Means Hard Work.
That is about it for right now although we reserve the right to add more kick-ass goals to replace the ones that we conquer.
Did I tell how glad I am to see you again?? Then let me tell you again: I am sorry that I left you. I am so happy that we are together again. I LOVE YOU, ME. Forever. and Always.
Love, Me Too
ps. We want a pedicure too, just because. soon. Pink toes make us happy.